Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.